the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
When your man makes a valid point
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.