My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I love art.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT