Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Ok, but like, how married are you?