Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.