How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄