Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.
Me: I’m done peeing!!
Khakis: No you’re not.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.
Headed to a funeral. #yolo
If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?