@ClaytonSykes

Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

@ClaytonSykes

Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it’s getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.

@ClaytonSykes

Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need “lives” as if I didn’t already know that.

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@ClaytonSykes

I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously

@ClaytonSykes

After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?