Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again