My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?