Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I have so many questions.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.