All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.