The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
You Might Also Like
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.