“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything