When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.