Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)