I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?