[at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid’s birthday parties.
Me: How do think pirates said “booty” all the time without laughing?
Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.
The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.
I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.
ME: What’d you want for dinner?
MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.
ME: Chinese it is.
Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.
When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.
I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.