@ComedicBust: MECHANIC: looks like it’s the transmission. It’s going to cost 5 grand.
ME: [hiking up my pants, pretending I know what I’m talking about] Sure it’s not the ol’ mcgriddle?
MECHANIC: the McDonalds breakfast sandwich?
ME: Debit or credit?
@ComedicBust: [at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
@ComedicBust: I fantasize about my enemies spending their weekends at kid's birthday parties.
@ComedicBust: Whenever I wear a suit I spend the entire time talking into my collar and sleeve, because if I’m going to be uncomfortable, I’m going to at least pretend to be a spy.
@ComedicBust: Me: How do think pirates said "booty" all the time without laughing?
Mother-in-law: I begged my daughter not to marry you.
@ComedicBust: The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.
@ComedicBust: I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don't need to know I'm here to buy waterfall scented candles.
@ComedicBust: ME: What'd you want for dinner?
MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.
ME: Chinese it is.
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding?
ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT