Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.