Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Canada has crack?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside