All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.