Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
They say breakfast cheesecake is the most important cheesecake of the day.
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.
Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.
In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.