@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

@CommonSavant

They say breakfast cheesecake is the most important cheesecake of the day.

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@CommonSavant

I use my neighbor’s outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I’d invite him, but my cat’s funny about bathing with strangers.

@CommonSavant

Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.