Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.