If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.