My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Just a bush.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.