@Contwixt

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

@Contwixt

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

@Contwixt

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

@Contwixt

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

@Contwixt

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

@Contwixt

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@Contwixt

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.