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Page of Contwixt's best tweets

@Contwixt : ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don't want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

@Contwixt: I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

@Contwixt: I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

@Contwixt: Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

@Contwixt: I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

@Contwixt: It's one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you've got a golf tee in each nostril, that's a pattern. Wake up.

@Contwixt: When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn't really plan past that, and still haven't.

@Contwixt: WIFE: let's get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it's not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it's hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

@Contwixt: I don't want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.