Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Contwixt's best tweets

@Contwixt : When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6. I didn't really plan past that, and still haven't.

@Contwixt: WIFE: let's get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it's not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it's hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

@Contwixt: I don't want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

@Contwixt: Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

@Contwixt: I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@Contwixt: A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

@Contwixt: Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

@Contwixt: My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@Contwixt: I can't shop there because I don't understand their parking lot.

@Contwixt: Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don't know why more folks aren't alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.