@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@Contwixt

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

@Contwixt

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

@Contwixt

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

@Contwixt

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

@Contwixt

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

@Contwixt

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

@Contwixt

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”