I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.