This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
