This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.