mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
forgive me baja for i have blast
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean