Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!