Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups