Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Breaking news:
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.