My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
my first day as a raccoon
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My dad teaching me to drive
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
This could be us… but you playing
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale