I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat