@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

@Cpin42

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@Cpin42

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated