Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Cpin42's best tweets

@Cpin42 : Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

@Cpin42: A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@Cpin42: Weed: Let’s make brownies

Cocaine: WE SHOULD START OUR OWN RECORD LABEL

@Cpin42: Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

@Cpin42: Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@Cpin42: If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@Cpin42: Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@Cpin42: Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

@Cpin42: If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

@Cpin42: If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing