[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated