@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out “Mr. Bean”

@Cpin42

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

@Cpin42

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

@Cpin42

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

@Cpin42

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

@Cpin42

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

@Cpin42

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

@Cpin42

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

@Cpin42

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

@Cpin42

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat