Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.