Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it