God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“Wait, let me explain..”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.