[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet