Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
What even happened today?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*