life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.