If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much