my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Had an epiphany today.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.