@CrisMtzgr

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@CrisMtzgr

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

@CrisMtzgr

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

@CrisMtzgr

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.