Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.