My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*