St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose