I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
when dads have a rap battle
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”