*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.