The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.
So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.
“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”