My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.
“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.