Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”
Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it’s almost over
People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.
Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo
Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.
Her: I’d take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?