“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Not all heroes wear capes….
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me: