*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’