Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.