Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind